When I realised that a breakdown is actually a breakthrough
I don’t know how many times I have broken down with exhaustion in my life. Sometimes it felt like my whole life had exhausted me. There are so many things in life that have affected me so deeply. As highly sensitive, I see now that I experienced my being in so many ways, in so many dimensions and from so many perspectives, without even being aware of it, at times. And all this was spinning around in me and was processed deeply and deep down inside, even though I was unconscious of most of my deep processing back then. It was just the way I was, I didn’t know anything else, so I didn’t reflect on the possibility of being highly sensitive. But still, there was always a subconscious consciousness there, that there was more lightness in life to be had, but I wasn’t in contact with it.
Having said that, I would like to continue this story from the end, from my latest breakdowns. By this time I was so tired of being tired, and it felt like I became even more exhausted from being exhausted. I started to see that parts of my lerned behavious patterns and so called “truths”, or adopted ideas of how I should be in order to be capable or competent, were not working for me anymore. For example, that I must be perfect, do everything right and quick, I had to be cheerful and pleasant, I should say yes to everything, even if I didn’t really feel like it. I should be innovative, creative and driven, I would be a contribution to my workplace and colleages. I would, I should, I must…
During my earlier breakdowns a haunting feeling started to sneak up on me, I felt chased, my shoulders tensed up and I had a stinging sensation in my neck. If my boss would stick their head through my door and want something I got this immediate feeling that I had done something wrong, even if I practically never made mistakes, I was a good girl and a perfectionist. To do wrong was forbidden in my world, yet I had this sneaking feeling that I, my whole being, was wrong. My soul started to feel out of breath, like whatever fuel that ran my enginge was running on empty. My whole being felt like the flame of candle about to burn out, that weak flickering flame, fighting to keep on shining.
As parts of my facade, my bluff of the perfectionist, started to fall apart, shame arrived. Now everyone could see that I can’t handle everything I used to handle, or say I can handle - those were my thoughts. And I felt shitty, bad and shameful over not managing everything as well as everyone else, or even as well as I used to handle things. Who was I if I wasn’t everything I thought I was? Who am I if I am not effective, capable, perfect?
My soul became so tired that I couldn’t work the way I thought I should work, I lost focus, experienced vertigo and lost my short term memory. I soothed myself with food and gained weight. I cried a lot in secret and was ashamed of it all. I fell asleep exhausted at night but woke up in the middle of the night, soaked with sweat, high pulse and physically out of breath as if I had been running. And my thoughts were spinning. During my first breakdowns I used my awake night time to work. I would lay in bed at night, thinking about work, solving problems, planning upcoming projects. At that time I felt so pleased with myself because I felt effective, using ALL my awake time so effectively. Just writing about it now is making me choke on my tears. Can you imagine how disconnected I was from my inner wisdom, the one that began to whisper “...this is not working anymore, what if there is a lighter way to live…?”
If you relate to this I invite you to take a break here, and feel how it has actually been for you. Take a few deep, calm breaths and give yourself some self compassion. What drives you, how does it drive you and how is it affecting you?
How it’s affecting me? I am getting in touch with grief over how tough and carelessly I drove myself. During some periods I was so depressed that I cried every morning as I got out of bed.
So I got help. And I learned to see so many things. I saw what was no longer working for me. To perform as a robot or a machine did not work anymore. And as my so called perfect facade started to crack, hidden parts of my true self started to pour out. My Sensitivity started to pour out and flow, my lust for life poured out. To enjoy life and not just suffer it or survive it. Uncried tears over old pain poured out. New and old sorrows were given space to be felt through. Like the shame of not measuring up. (To what?) But then something happened.
Shame got a hug from Compassion who could tell me that it is ok that things went this way. Compassion called its friend Possibility who showed up and told me that there are other possibilities, it is possible to choose over and over again and make new choices, it doesn’t have to stay this way. I began to enjoy new energy in my Being.
I saw that my breakdown was actually a breakthrough. I began to feel that my old self image was dying away from me, and a new Me was being born. The person I had been up until now, the one who drove myself so relentlessly, was released. And it wasn’t really a new me, it was a truer me, more ME. The me that I had always been deep inside, and would always have been if family, society and life hadn’t told me how I should be in order to perform and be capable, good enough. All this was mine to release, and I was willing, really willing to give up my old self image. Who did I think I was? And who would I like to be?
Who do you think you are? And who would you like to be? And would you like to let go of things that are not working for you anymore? Get in touch and let’s talk about it. And most importantly: take care of yourself.
